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only to himself he whispered, my love, and for a moment he felt everything in
the woman move toward him, felt her sudden warmth and flooding longing
for his kiss&
Then there was a spasmodic moment of shattering, convulsive fear, clawing
with anguish at every nerve in him; the rapport between them smashed like a
breaking crystal, and Elorie, white and terrified, was straining away from
him, fighting like a cat in his arms.
 No, no, she gasped.  Jeff, let me go, let me go don t-
Dazed, numb with shock, Kerwin released her; she scrambled quickly up and
away from him, her hands crossed in terror over her breasts, which rose and
fell with soundless, anguished sobs. Her eyes were wide with horror, but she
was barriered tightly against him again. Her childish mouth moved silently,
her face screwed up in a little girl s grimace against tears.  No, she
whispered, again, at last.  Have you forgotten forgotten what I am? Oh,
Avarra pity me, she said in a broken gasp, covered her face with her hands
and fled blindly from the room, half tripping over a stool, evading Jeff s
automatic reach to steady her, slipping through the door and running,
running away down the hall. Far away, far up in the Tower, he heard the
closing of a door.
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r r
He did not see Elorie again for three days.
For the first time, that night, she did not join them for the evening ritual of
drinks in the great hall. Jeff, from the moment Elorie fled from him, felt cut
off and alone, a stranger among them in a world suddenly cold and strange.
The others seemed to take Elorie s seclusion for granted; Kennard said with a
shrug that all Keepers did that now and then, it was part of being what they
were. Jeff, holding his barriers firm against involuntary betrayal (of himself?
Of Elorie?) said nothing. But Elorie s eyes, luminous and haunted with
dismay and that shocking, sudden fear, as well as the memory of her warmth
in his arms, seemed to swim before his eyes in the darkness every night
before he slept; he felt, with an almost tactile memory, her kiss on his mouth,
her frail and frightened body in his arms, and the shock after she had broken
away and run from him. At first he had been half angry: She had initiated the
contact. Why now should she break away as if he had attempted rape?
Then, slowly and painfully, understanding came.
He had broken the strictest law of the Comyn. A Keeper was a pledged virgin,
trained lengthily for her work, body and brain given lengthy conditioning for
the most difficult task on Darkover. To every man in the Domains, Elorie was
inviolate. A Keeper, tenerésteis, never to be touched by lust or even by the
purest love.
He had heard what they said and worse, felt what they felt about Cleindori,
who had broken this vow. (And she, too, with one of the despised Terrans.)
In his old life Kerwin might have defended himself, saying that Elorie had
invited his advances. She had first touched him, first raised her lips to his.
But after a time of training in the unsparing self-honesty of Arilinn, there
were no such easy evasions. He had been aware of the taboo, and of Elorie s
ignorance; he was aware of the forthright way with which she showed
affection to the others of her circle, completely confident in the taboo that
protected her; to all of them, she was sexless and sacrosanct. She had
accepted Jeff in the same way and he had betrayed her trust!
He loved her. He knew now that he had loved her from the first time he laid
eyes on her; or perhaps before, when their minds touched through the matrix
and he had heard her soft I recognize you. And now he saw nothing ahead of
him but pain and renunciation.
Taniquel his infatuation with Taniquel now seemed like a dream. He knew
now that it had been gratitude for her acceptance, for her kindness and
warmth; he was still fond of her, but what had been between them, for a time,
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r r
could not survive any interruption of the sexual tie between them. It had
never been anything like this overwhelming thing that swallowed up his
whole consciousness; he knew that he would love Elorie for the rest of his life,
even if he could never again touch her and she never showed the slightest sign
of returning his love.
(But she had, she had& )
But worse than this was a terrible fear, knifing at his consciousness. Kennard
had warned him of the dangers of nervous exhaustion, counseling him to
remain apart from Taniquel during the days immediately before a heavy load
of matrix work, to avoid depleting his energies. The Keepers, he knew, keyed
themselves completely, body and mind, into the matrixes they operated; this
was why they must never be touched by a hint of emotion, and far less by
sexuality. His memory went back to his first night in Arilinn; Elorie s dismay
at the mildest flirtatious or gallant remark, her comment that Keepers
trained lifelong for their work and sometimes lost the ability for it after a very
short time. Neyrissa had underlined that there were no other Keepers, so that
Elorie, unlike Keepers in the past, was not free to set aside her high office for
marriage or for love.
And now, when perhaps the very fate of Darkover rested upon the strength of [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]